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So many things to talk about- memory loss, fears of lost creativity, heath scares, menopause, retirement obsession... It's hard to tell where to start but I need to start something. I'm glad I have this little space, even though it's likely that I'll be the only one who sees any of this. That's okay. 

Maybe today I'll talk about Paige's tarot reading. I garbled some stuff about getting ready for retirement (tripping over my words like an idiot who desperately wants cool people to love me/be impressed by me/think I"m cool too- what do I need to be thinking about/how should I be preparing. I didn't have much of an objective, but she gave me way more than I could have imagined. She's great. I know a lot of it is about projecting what you want to hear onto the reading, but in a way that's okay. I think it helps to reframe your own thoughts or when you hear someone else say it, it gives the idea a chance to be better understood. She pulled up a card, I don't remember which one, I'm bad at remembering the specific cards and what they mean, but it was supposed to represent how others around me (work?) feel about me, and she mentioned something about me being considered "enigmatic and mysterious". Cool! I thought others stayed away from me because they thought I was lame or something. God knows if it's true, but I'd like to believe that it is and it makes sense- I'm a little weirdo, into weird stuff like music that they don't understand. Who knows. Paige also discussed another card, again, no idea which one, in which I think it represented something I'll need to address in the future. She said there will be heartbreak. I just started welling up. I think I also cried the last time when she read my cards and I had something I wanted to address about Alec going to school (maybe? It was a long time ago) So yeah, it's going to be sad. That seems obvious now, but I really hadn't thought about it. I was at AHS for a long time, a lot of stuff happened and as much as I love telling my students to now get too wrapped up in work so that it becomes a part of your personality, I guess a bit of it has gotten through to me anyway. Now that I think about it though, maybe I won't be THAT sad. Maybe when Paige said it in her wonderful way, she made it seem really sad. Again, I'm not sure. What else? There was one card, "The World", that I remember, but what did it represent? Travel? Traveling with others? Eh. Other things I wrote down: "What I'm worrying about is all in my head". "Things haven't fallen into place yet/I need to weave the web". "AHS created a garden for me"- I really did learn a lot and gain a lot from working there- more than I'd like to admit, so I guess that "garden" thing is very true. Right now I'm only just dealing with this year and it's so hard to remember all the good stuff that came before. Would I have been on Martha Stewart if I hadn't been at AHS and felt safe/encouraged to be free like that? I don't know. I can say, however, that I don't feel safe/encouraged with the current group of people I'm surrounded by and maybe that's why I'm so grumpy.